22 Mar Feeling the Loss of a Non-Existent Pregnancy
I’m currently experiencing the pain of finding out I’m not pregnant even though we weren’t trying, and I thought, “There may be women out there who are experiencing this who need to know they’re not alone.” So I’m going to share my story in the hopes that if anybody reads it, they might find comfort in my story.
When I was little and school classes were asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and others answered with “Teacher” or “Doctor”, I felt utterly lost because I had not an ounce of career aspiration. Ever since I was little, the only dream I considered worth pursuing was being a mother. I spent many hours crying to my parents because I didn’t know what to do with my life. It was only when on a church getaway a few years ago while begging for direction when I felt God say to me that He HAD given me direction – motherhood. Career pursuits were practical decisions that had to be made, but I was given my life’s purpose and direction early on. This gave me a tremendous amount of peace.
Fast forward to today, my husband and I want children very much, but we’re not in a position to start trying yet, so I’m on the pill and will be for another year or so. But on the 4th of March (just over a week from my last period) I had spotting. I’ve never had spotting before, and Trusty Mr. Google told me it could be implantation bleeding. I knew the likelihood of being pregnant was extremely low, so I tried to stay level-headed. But as I waited for my next period, I got more excited about the prospect. I couldn’t help but thinking “So what if it’s true?”.
I woke up on the morning of Friday the 15th of March feeling so excited for no reason. I thought, “I NEED to do a test this morning!”. But the test was negative, as I logically knew it would be. I buried my feelings into chocolate and handled it better than I expected, until Sunday. At church they’re doing a series called “7 Answers to 7 Riddles of Life”, and this Sunday was about Suffering. At the end of the service the pastor asked for those who feel they are suffering to raise their hand for prayer. I felt so stupid, so I didn’t raise my hand, but I started crying because I felt that I was suffering. But I hadn’t really gone through anything so why did I feel I was suffering??
That afternoon I broke down and sobbed into my husband’s arms for a long time.
It is now a week later, and my period has come and gone. I feel slightly hollow and lost, and a little bit bitter. I feel on the verge of tears at all times, and I have to look away from all things ‘baby’ that I come across for fear of crying. I told my friend that I feel stupid for mourning something that never existed, and she said to me, “You’re mourning the possibility of what would have happened, and that’s a normal human response.”, and I know she’s right.
I’m now fighting against my mind, which drifts into “But why not? Does this mean there is something wrong with me and my mothering ability?” territory, and the negative self-esteem that comes with those thoughts. I’m trying not to go there, and desperately trying to cling to the promise God has given me that I will be a mother when the time is right. But it is so difficult.
I cannot fathom the pain that women who have been trying for a baby for a long time feel, or those who have experienced a miscarriage. I know that my pain is nothing compared to that. But I know that I am allowed to feel pained about my experience, and I know there may be other women out there who could be experiencing something similar to this.
I want you to know that you’re not alone, and I’m here if you want to talk. I don’t have any profound wisdom to share, especially since I’m still hurting while writing this, but I can promise to listen. You are loved and worthy and beautiful, and you are more than this experience.